DorkFest '07 -- The Awards Ceremony

Well, I’d have to say that Dorkfest ’07 exceeded expectations. Congratulations to all of the dorks who participated. You did yourselves proud. You lurker dorks who didn’t participate – you guys were awesome, too.

Judging

Anyone who has looked at the entries knows that there’s no way I could simply “pick the dorkiest dork.” No way. The range of dork styles and genres on parade here defies simplistic selection. A sophisticated problem demands sophisticated tools. I would be remiss in not availing myself of quantitative methods.

We begin, as we must, with a simple subjective judgment of each entrant’s overall dorky impression, impact, essence, je ne sais quoi. Each submission was assigned a score of 3 to 8 on an implied scale of 1 to 10, wherein the extremes of the scale would represent truly neurotic or, worse, truly boring behavior. This score was the entrant’s Subjective Score, or Ss.

The Subjective Score then receives content-based adjustments according to the following criteria:

• Online material submitted as evidence = +2
• Making unnecessary correction to one’s own trivial grammatical errors = +2
• Citation of scary computer code = +3
• Cats = +2
• Use of any of the following words or phrases = +1

“giggle with glee”
“metacomment”
“They Might Be Giants”
“My fondness for keystroke commands”
“Esperanto”
“ululating”
“fan fiction”
“LonelyGirl15”

• Use of ostensibly dorky characteristics in successful pickup of member of opposite sex = -3 penalty

Thus modified, the Ss becomes the Gross Adjusted Score, or Sg.


An attitudinal index, A, is compiled by adding any of the following that apply:

• Going on and on and on in one’s entry in a clearly compulsive fashion = 3 points
• Returning after one’s original entry to produce supplemental evidence = 1 point/instance
• Claiming not to be qualified, then showing up later with an entry = 1 point
• Questioning or contesting the definition of “dork” or “dorky” = 3 points

A demonstrative index, D, compiles surrogate measures of eagerness/willingness to demonstrate dorky elements of ones personality; it is the sum of any of the following that apply:

• Talking trash to/about other contestants, or the host = 2 points
• Showing awe or admiration of other contestants = 1 point
• Attempting to appropriate the dorkyness of one’s life partner = 1 point
• Claiming, but electing not to elucidate, additional unspecified dorkyness = -2 points

A final Net Dorkyness Score, Sn, is derived by multiplying the Gross Adjusted Score, plus a constant, by the square root of the product of double the attitudinal index plus the demonstrative index plus one.The Dorky Winners!

First of all, a nod to Chance, who stumbled into this thing more or less accidentally, and escaped as the Least Dorky L&TM5K reader with a NDS of only 5.0.


#5 Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a tie for 5th. The first of them ululates, collects old bric-a-brac, and can usually be found with her nose in the latest copy of Professional Door Dealer: my own beloved Mrs.5000! The second grasps a pencil in one hand to fill out the Word Jumble, and a Q-Tip in the other hand for, whatever. Karin!

They share an NDS of 33.941, ahead of Heatherbee by less than .3 of a point.


#4 In the mysterious, shadowy world of X-files fandom, we may never really understand "The Truth" about who was the dorkiest fan. But MyDogIsChelsea, working with one hundred Derek Jeeters and David Duchovnys gazing beatifically down from her bedroom walls, made her case with panache. She scored an NDS of 36.000.


#3 I've known him for twenty years, thinking of him as a relatively sane and straightforward sort of guy. But today we've learned that Mark Witteman is skilled is some strange and mystical ways. Dorky ways. And frankly, I'm frightened. But impressed. His NDS is 37.041.


The Runner-Up

The second dorkiest L&TM5K reader in all of DorkFest '07 can check the her database of hours and tell you exactly when, on any day of her life, she was sorting her CDs by region, grooving with the editorial board of the New York Times, or brushing her cat's teeth. It's not the greatest distinction she's had this week -- more on that soon -- but I'm sure that, with her NDS of 37.417, fingerstothebone will be happy to be the Vice Dork of DorkFest '07!!!


And the Winner is.....

Ghost Blogger for Learned Claw and Erik the Red, connoisseur of Harry Potter fan fiction, seductress of the guidebook, the Dork of DorkFest '07 is a level 66 human mage from the city of New York, New York. Maybe she didn't get into Brown. So what. This is better. She is our winner, and will soon be the proud holder of the Mr. Shain Memorial Starbucks Card! Yes, with a whopping NDS of 39.799, the #1 Dork of the L&TM5K Readership is: g!

Get me your address, g. $15.60 in delicious coffee beverages are yours for the drinking.

{long, sustained applause}